And now I still feel lucky for all the amazing and wonderful people in my life. But I’m also feeling a bit devastated because I found out when I got home this morning that the world is now short one of those amazing people. Someone I work with died of a heart attack last night.  Honestly, I don’t know if there’s been a shortage of good souls in heaven, but the last couple of months we’ve lost far too many good people down here. And Nick was definitely one of the good ones.  I wouldn’t say I knew him really well.  But I will say that he was one of my favorite people in my office (and across the university for that matter).  You know those people that you’re always happy to see?  The ones who you just always want to stop and talk to, no matter what else you’re doing, because you know that even the few words you exchange with them will brighten your day?  That was Nick. He was a low-key guy, but around here that just made him stand out.

And as if it wasn’t tragic enough, he was only 44 years old, with a wife and a 2 year old son. His family was such a joy for him – you could see it in his face every time he talked about them -  and I just can’t stop thinking about how awful this must be for them.  My heart is breaking for his family. It’s such a huge loss for so many people, that I still can’t quite get my head around it. And yet, being here at work I can hardly think about anything else.

Life is fragile, people.  Cherish the ones that you love, your families, your friends – hold them close, and make sure you tell that you love them as often as you get the chance. Because you never know when you might not have the chance again …

I’m on day 6 of The Horrible Crud.  And as if it’s not bad enough that I still feel pretty much like I’ve been run over by a truck, I have had NO voice since late Wednesday.  Like I-can-barely-speak-above-a-whisper no voice.  It doesn’t hurt that much anymore, but it’s incredibly frustrating.  I’m congested, and something’s off with my hot water.  Steaming hot showers have been my only real relief this week, and yet somehow when I tried to take a bath tonight, I couldn’t get water hotter than just kind-of-warm.  I have no idea what’s wrong – the hot water heater seems to be working, and I have it turned up to its normal scalding hot levels.  I’m going to try again in a little while and hope this situation has improved.

I’m quarantined at home, and I can’t even communicate with people.  Talking on the phone would be a joke – I sound like a deranged stalker.  The only normal-decibel-level sound I can make is an excellent imitation of a honking goose.  Which is admittedly fun to emit from time to time.  It certainly makes the cat sit up and take notice.  But it’s the holidays, and I can’t even talk to the people I love. Of course, that’s because none of them are actually HERE.

Paul was supposed to be home tonight, after two weeks away.  But winter storms all over Europe have airports closed and flights cancelled, and so he’s currently stranded in Amsterdam.

And I had just typed the rest of this post, and recognized that with all the crap I’m still incredibly lucky and have much to be grateful for and blahblahblah and I actually finished it on a really nice note when my computer crashed and what I wrote above is all that was saved. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pity party, table for one?

I’m not going to rewrite all of the really nice stuff I wrote, because I am too sick, and too tired, and too sick and tired of everything right now to bother.

But I will finish by saying that I am sending all of you good health and good cheer, and maybe somehow some of it will come back to me.  Because I could really use a little Christmas right now.

Paul is halfway through his Austrian trip, and while we’ve been able to Skype a  few times, I have decided that two weeks is really just too long to be apart.  I hope we can manage to never do this again.  I have been spending as much time as possible cozily ensconced next to my Christmas tree, usually with Jasmine curled up next to me – she seems to be enjoying the tree as much as I am.  And who could blame us?

Pretty, huh? :-)

I only wish I had more time to spend next to it during the dark hours.  I’ve even been getting up early on weekday mornings – around 5 a.m. – so that I can spend 1/2 hour next to the tree before I go to yoga at 6 a.m.  I won’t go into how fantastic my yoga practice is going – for that you can always check out my other blog, if you are so inclined – except to say that I’m sure it’s adding to my general good mood these days.

Last night was the HCTR (my trail running club) Holiday Party at Dart Bowl.  In past years we’ve had a party at someone’s house, so this was a really fun change!  It was great to see some people and catch up with friends.  I’ve made myself a bit scarce where the club’s concerned lately … which is odd I suppose given that I’m still the club president.  Of course, that’s exactly the reason.  The truth is that I really am not enjoying this position at all.  The people are great, and I think I’m actually a pretty good leader … it just turns out that I don’t particularly LIKE being the leader.  That’s an understatement actually.  And so it’s been hard to be a part of things, when it’s just not something I’m deriving any pleasure from at the moment.  It makes me sad.  But the club is important to me, and I made this commitment and I’ll see it through.  And I am really looking forward to the day when I can go back to being just a club member.  But last night was a great reminder of why I decided to take this on in the first place.  Because this is just a terrific group of people, some of the best ones I know.  And it was great to just be with everyone and hang out and have fun.  Gives me something to look forward to in a few months.

In the meantime, I am quite occupied with wedding plans.  I’m going to try to take care of several details, like florist, photographer, cake, etc, when I’m home for Christmas. I don’t know if I’ve actually written this anywhere public, but we’re getting married May 21st, back in Virginia, at one of my favorite places in the world, The Ashby Inn.  I didn’t plan it for this reason, but I do think it’s fun that Paul and I will be able to say we got married in Paris … it just happens to be Paris, Virginia. :-)  If you’ve never been to or seen The Ashby Inn, you should check out some of these photos … it’s just beautiful, and the food is amazing. I am so excited that we were able to get it during the narrow window of time we had.  It’s going to be pretty small, and mostly family … I know lots of people do the big production, but for me it’s such an intimate moment, I can’t imagine having hundreds of people there.

Of course, the most important thing is that at the end of it, Paul and I will be married … and I just get this really nice warm feeling all over every time I think about that. How could I not love this man?  He does things like this when I’m sick …

Sigh … sorry, I’m a little mopey on my own.  Thankfully, I have a multitude of cheesy holiday movies to keep me occupied, ones that Paul would have to be hog-tied with this eyes forced open before he would watch. So perhaps it’s best this way.

This week brings more holiday celebration … my office party, going to see Elf at Alamo Drafthouse. I am so excited for that one! I have also scheduled some time to catch up with friends, over runs, food, drinks, and shopping. Only 13 days till Christmas … I’m almost sad it’s so close.  I love this time of year so much that I hate to have it over with too quickly.

And so I had better get back to it, finishing off my week with a glass of wine and one more holiday movie before bed …

Like this morning … which was the best part of this day  … after nearly five months, I finally got back to the trail. Can you believe I went that long without a trail run?  Because I can’t.  Especially now that I’ve been back out there. I spent about 90 minutes on one of  my favorite routes, and it was utterly wonderful from start to finish.  The minute my feet hit the trail and I began to run, it was as if I entered this Zen state.  My feet just began to move, as if of their own accord. I suppose that after so much time away, I had begun to question how much I really loved the trail, and just how much I really was a trail runner at heart. Well, questions answered. My soul just expanded, and soared, with every step I took.  I hardly saw anyone the entire time, which was perfect.  Just me and my trail, getting to know each other all over again.  And remembering just how much I love it, and just how much it makes me feel right with the world. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

In other good news, I am almost done with my Christmas shopping.  I have so enjoyed the shopping this year.  I’ve done some online, but unlike in past years, I’ve really enjoyed actually getting out and going to stores.  Of course, this means I’m going to have to ship a bunch of stuff home, but it’s been worth it. I did have one strange experience yesterday. I was at Sephora … where I am a regular customer, but not there THAT frequently.  The last time was probably two months ago.  I am what is called a VIB (Very Important Beauty Insider), which really just means I spend too much money there, but again, it’s just not that bad.  So I was there, doing my shopping, and when I went to check out, the sales associate at the register looked at me, and said “You’re letting your hair grow out.”  Now, I only vaguely remember ever seeing this woman before – and it’s not like I am oblivious to the people helping me.  Also, there is not a hair on my head more than three inches long, so it’s not like my hair has changed all that much.  But here’s the thing … she’s right. I AM letting my hair grow out.  Not a lot, but just enough to work with the veil I have for the wedding. I’m not sure most of my friends have even noticed, but the random woman at Sephora knew right away. I chalk it up to 1) the folks at Sephora being good at what they do, and 2) the fact that I do have a pretty distinctive haircut.  Very few people have hair this short.  So I’m guessing it stands out. But it was a weird moment nonetheless.

This week I’m looking forward to the start of holiday parties.  Actually, that began last night, when I went with Paul to his TACC group’s Christmas party. It’s a lot of fun for me, because I know most of these people, and have for some time, but at the same time it’s not a work party for me.  We really had a great weekend. We took advantage of our new membership at the Blanton Museum – UT’s really fabulous art museum – to attend our first B Scene on Friday night – a bimonthly event complete with bands, cocktails, and free tours of the collections, including the excellent current exhibit Turner to Monet – Masterpieces from the Walters Art Museum in Baltimore. I even got some more Xmas shopping done in the gift shop. This week there are a couple more parties … that should help compensate for having to spend three days this week at a Tax and Estate Planning legal conference. It’s usually informative, but I wouldn’t really call it exciting.

Actually, that’s pretty much been my life lately … mostly fantastic, punctuated with a handful of things that have just sucked.  A member of our trail running club passed away (yes, that’s the second person in a month … it’s just awfully sad); I have some family stuff to deal with that I’d really rather not, because I think a positive outcome is extremely unlikely; and of course, two weeks without Paul.  But thankfully, the good FAR outweighs the bad, and so that’s what I’m going to focus on.  So many blessings, I feel unworthy.  And just enough bitter to make me appreciate the sweet.

The travel marathon started the weekend before Thanksgiving, when Paul and I drove to Houston to spend the weekend with his mom.  I realized shortly before we left that I hadn’t seen his mom since before we got engaged, so it was nice to get together and have a chance to celebrate. One thing I am thankful for this year is that I did pretty well in the Mother-In-Law lottery.  :)  Some good food, a lot of sleep, and an excursion to see the new Harry Potter film made for a great start to the holidays.

Banking all that sleep came in handy when I had to get up at 3 a.m. Monday morning. There is nothing good that I can say about that … but taking the 5:45 a.m. flight out of Austin did put us in Philadelphia by lunchtime, in time to get to Jolly’s house and meet Max & Jude at the bus stop.  I still can’t believe they’re old enough to be in Kindergarten and taking the bus home from school!  They spent the rest of the afternoon outside, playing tag – and other various games that involved running around the yard like crazy people – with Paul. M&J love me, but next to Paul I am officially chopped liver.  Still, I can’t exactly blame them or fault their taste. Tuesday Paul and I got the boys to ourselves for part of the day, while Jolly went into work.  My grand plans for morning yoga went out the window … but I’m pretty sure that trying to keep up with a couple of five year-old boys ended up being plenty of exercise.  Paul and I were certainly exhausted by the end of the day … do parents just develop this stamina as they go along?  But it was a great day.  We took the boys to Starbucks, which they loved.  My mom started a tradition when they go to visit her down in Oriental, to take them to the coffee shop and let them have “coffee,” which is basically a little bit of a decaf and a whole lot of milk.  It’s very cute and makes the boys feel very grown up. I sorely confused the barista at Starbucks when I ordered two steamed milks with a splash of decaf, but they got it right and the boys loved it.  They even wanted to stay there and hang out while we drank our beverages.  After coffee we went to this fantastic playground nearby … one of those deals with all kinds of walkways, stairs, monkey bars, climbing ropes, etc … which in this case served as our giant spaceship that we had to defend against the invaders.

Paul and I made a short trip to Whole Foods to pick up the things I hadn’t assigned to my mom’s list, and then Paul, Jolly, and I were off on our nighttime road trip down to North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. We hit traffic trying to get to I-95, but once we did, we had smooth sailing all the way past DC … and then things backed up.  Rush hour around Fredericksburg at 11:30 at night?  Seriously? I know it’s the Tuesday before Turkey Day, but sheesh!  Sometime after midnight we stopped at a Waffle House for dinner … I love Waffle House, but this was the longest visit ever.  It took 1/2 hour for the one waitress there to even take our order. At least we got extra sweet tea to go! Not on my approved diet, but I made an exception for the road trip. (As a side note, I managed to return from this whole week of traveling and eating without gaining an ounce, so I’m considering that a rousing success!)  We finally hit Oriental around 5:30 in the morning, and promptly hit the sack.

Paul and I spent the better part of the next two days cooking, although we did manage to fit in two much-needed yoga practices, and I went for my first run in two months … something else to add the very long list of things I’m thankful for.  The complete rundown of the feast? Winter squash, leek, and apple soup; roasted turkey (duh); stuffing with apples and leeks (I went with a bit of a theme here, and it was deeelish); homemade gravy (all Paul’s doing!); mashed potatoes en croute (basically mashed potatoes wrapped in puff pastry – a mouth-watering avalanche of carbs); mashed sweet potatoes; sautéed Brussel sprouts with bacon (after the bacon cooked on the turkey); peas, Irish soda bread courtesy of my aunt (so yummy!); copious amounts of red wine; and finished off with my specialty … chocolate bourbon pecan pie.

Next up on the grateful list: Spending Thanksgiving with my family (some of them anyway). I’ll see the rest at Christmas, but after a tough year with my mom, who had a stroke 6 months ago, to get to spend time with her and see how well she’s doing … truly something to be thankful for.  With my mom, you don’t always know what you’re going to get.  Last year after Thanksgiving we were barely speaking. So to have a nice visit where everyone got along was really special. Especially since this was my first Thanksgiving with Paul. I know we’ll have a lifetime more of them, but I’ve already made it clear what a sucker I am for the holidays, and I want our first holidays together to be special. I’m not putting too much pressure on (especially since he’ll be gone for two weeks in December), but let’s get real. Of all the things I’m thankful for this year, he’s without question #1 on the list.

And now I’m thankful to be home and getting back to normal. Back to my vegan diet (which feels so much better!), back to my (almost) daily yoga practice.  Of course, I’m passing my free time by indulging shamelessly in cheesy holiday movies.  I love them, without embarrassment.  My DVR is nearly full, and somehow Boardwalk Empire and Burn Notice are taking a backseat to the Hallmark Channel.  I’ve spared Paul so far, and I’m pretty sure that’s one of the things he’s thankful for this year.  :)  I’m also looking forward to doing more Christmas shopping. I’m done with some people already, and lots more will be ordered online. But in addition to cheesy holiday movies, I am also a sucker for shiny objects. Paul and I went to the Domain yesterday to do some shopping, and I am like a little kid with all the decoration and cute stuff all over – jewelry, shoes, Xmas decorations, shoes, funky little gifts, shoes.  I don’t even need to buy things (and I didn’t) … I just love to look around. It somehow provides me with wish-fulfillment, yet without spending money or ending up with too much stuff.

Next up … going later this week to get my Christmas tree.  Once I have that, it will be hard to get me to leave my house.  I love to snuggle in on the couch with the tree lit, candles burning, a nice cup of tea, and my kittie all curled up with me as I watch yet another holiday movie.  I’m going to use every minute Paul is gone to indulge in this while I can.  This will be last Christmas in my little house … I move into Paul’s after Xmas.  And while I couldn’t be more excited to start the next phase of our life together, I am definitely already sad about leaving my little house in Hyde Park.  I’ve lived here for almost 5 years … the only place I’ve ever stayed longer is the house where I grew up. Moving is the right thing for me, but I’m still sad.  And so I plan to wring every last drop of holiday enjoyment out of being home this year.

I have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to blessings and things to be thankful for. And so my only real wish for this holiday season is that the people I love have their own dreams come true this year. Happy Thanksgiving … I hope you all have much for which to be grateful.

I started my day as I have almost every day of the past few weeks, in meditation.  I’m still struggling to stay focused throughout, struggling to calm down my nervous system – that’s why they call it “practice,” right? – but I am finding that I look forward to starting each day this way. It even makes it easier to get up at 5 a.m. Today didn’t start quite that early, and I had time to relax with some nice hot water with lemon and a book before I headed out for yoga.  After three days off while I healed from having LASIK surgery on Wednesday, I was so looking forward to getting back to my Ashtanga practice … yet another thing I’ve added back into my life recently that seems to have stuck quite readily.

Somehow this gorgeous day managed to be both productive and relaxing for me … what a rare and perfect combination!  Much of the afternoon I relaxed, curled up on the couch, drank hot tea, and watched movies, but I also managed to finish four loads of laundry, did a light house cleaning, and even tackled the very satisfying task of cleaning the refrigerator.  I also took this opportunity to go ahead and throw out my unused contact lenses, to stow the unused saline solution in the cabinet (I’d throw it out but I hate to waste anything and you never know when you might have an overnight guest who needs some), and to take my lovely but now unnecessary Dior glasses and put them in a drawer until such time down the road as they might need to be repurposed into reading glasses … hopefully that will be a decade from now and they’ll be so out of fashion I’ll laugh at myself for keeping them all this time.

I can’t tell you what a weird feeling it is, to think that I don’t need any of those things anymore.  I can just SEE.  All the time.  It’s not so strange during the day.  I’m used to being able to see during the day, even if now it’s unaided.  It is nice to not have the irritation I often got from a long day in my contacts, and it’s really nice to be out of my glasses, which I had to wear for the three weeks leading up to the surgery.  But it still gives me a start, to wake up in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning, and glance at the clock, only to have the time appear completely clear.  I love it.  It’s like my eyes are a new toy. :)  And I seem to be healing really well, with very few of the side effects I was warned to expect.

I don’t know if it’s the weather, or the fact that I’m generally just really happy these days, but I seem to have fallen into the holiday mode … the sap has arrived early this year.  Usually I can hold out till Thanksgiving, but for some reason I seem to be feeling warm and fuzzy and nostalgic and sentimental already.  I can’t wait to decorate my house, to visit with friends at Christmas parties, to see my family at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I’m a huge sucker for the holidays … the cheesy movies, the even cheesier decorations, peace-on-earth-goodwill-toward-men and all that.

I will hold out until the week of Thanksgiving for most of it – the tree, the music, etc.  One sad note … since the online radio station WOXY went off the air this year, their fantastic Holiday Mixer is no more.  I’ve been listening to this non-stop throughout the holidays for years, and I will miss all the unique holiday music that I would never have heard anywhere else. If anyone knows of a great substitute, please pass it along, I’d be ever so grateful.

Maybe some of this holiday spirit is also due to my feeling physically better than I have in a while. Physically, this year has been really up-and-down for me.  I started off on such a good note, with my resolution to go vegan and all that.  It lasted about half the year, until months of feeling awful forced me to the doctor, and a diagnosis of borderline iron-and-B12-deficient anemia.  So it was back to being an omnivore.  I felt better physically, but emotionally I just couldn’t stop feeling awful about my decision.  I hated it.  As I joked with a cashier at Wheatsville Coop one day, I was a reluctant, bitter carnivore.  Unfortunately, my way of dealing with this was to basically say “screw it” where my diet and health were concerned.  So by the end of October, I was not only not running and not doing yoga, I was also eating in a way that was just making me unhappy and unhealthy.

I knew it had to stop, so I decided to start fresh at the beginning of November (hence the title of this post).  I recommitted myself to Ashtanga and meditation, and I also endeavored to revamp my diet. I decided to start with the same three-week vegan cleanse that I used at the start of 2010, with the hope that when it was over, I could gradually add in just enough meat and fish to get the protein and vitamins I need to stay healthy.  Within a few days, I felt better than I have in months.  My skin looks the best it has in ages, and while I still have about 10-15 pounds that need to come off, I feel lighter than I have in a long time. A figurative weight has lifted.  I’m being diligent about taking my vitamins – multi, iron, Vitamins B12 and D, Omega-3.  I also decided to go ahead and schedule some time with Meredith, my friend and a nutritionist who has been a big help to me in the past.  She didn’t disappoint.  Much to my surprise and my pleasure, Mer is convinced that with some real effort and commitment on my part, I can get the protein and vitamins I need and still stay vegan.  To hear that, to have the hope that I don’t have to compromise my ethical beliefs in order to be healthy … it’s like this little flower of joy that’s bloomed inside of me.

I’m not striving to be perfect … that’s ridiculous, and boring, and unattainable, and who on earth wants that kind of pressure?  What I am striving for is to focus on making choices that make me feel good, and not just in the short term. I may make the occasional exception and eat meat, not because I have to, but because I make a deliberate choice to.  I don’t know yet.  We’ll see how it goes.  But I’m really going to try to make the effort to be committed to this.  And I’ll be checking in with Mer, so if I do run into trouble, we can fix it before things go completely off the rails.

Maybe all this holiday spirit is just because I feel like there’s so much to look forward to.  Yes, there’s the diet and exercise and all that.  But of course, most of it is that I’m looking to the future, and making all the plans and preparations to  spend my life with someone else … something that for a long time I wasn’t even sure I wanted, let alone would find. And yet somehow I have.  It’s funny … getting married is this thing that almost everyone does, that almost everyone I know has already done. In some ways it’s really so mundane and everyday. And in truth, my everyday life with Paul is often routine and basic and pretty ordinary, and let’s face it, it will probably continue to be that way.  Because that’s how our lives are most of the time.  It may be boring to some people, and maybe at one point in my life I would have felt that way. But now it’s this perfect combination of comforting and exciting all at the same time. Like that perfect pair of jeans that are completely worn in and that you reach for all the time, because they not only feel fantastic, they also make your a** look amazing. :) Is it weird to compare the love of my life to a pair of jeans? Oh well, miracles often come in unexpected packages. And make no mistake, as ordinary as this may be, it’s a complete and utter miracle to me.

I know most of us think of New Year’s as the time to hit the reset button, the time for making changes and resolutions, and to start over and try to get things right.  But if you need to hit the reset button, why not do it now?  Why wait? Wouldn’t it be great to go into a new year, not feeling like you need to start over, but feeling like you’re already on the right track? Instead of viewing the holidays as a time to either indulge in unhealthy habits, or to fight that urge and feel like you’re depriving yourself all the time … wouldn’t it be great to treat this as a time to love yourself?  To spread all that holiday cheer to yourself first?  To treat your life as something beautiful, something to be nourished and cared for and celebrated?  Just a thought …

Dano was my friend.  He was a fellow runner and even though I wasn’t as close to him as a lot of people I know, it didn’t take much to figure out that he was a truly amazing human being – someone I always looked forward to seeing, and someone who added to the lives of everyone he came into contact with. He came across much of the time as a smart-ass … and I liked that about him. But underneath it (and not very far underneath if you took any time at all to look) he was a coach, a philosopher, an adventurer, a warrior … and just a damn good friend.

And here’s the thing. I’m sad. Of course I’m sad. And yet that’s not the overwhelming emotion I keep feeling. Because sad is just not a word I associate with Dano. Even though he’d been sick for a while now – battling ALS – Dano’s spirit was anything but sad. And so sad just doesn’t seem like the right way to feel.

Honestly, I keep going to back to this post I read a few weeks ago.  I love The Bloggess … her website is one of my favorites, and can always be relied on to have me laughing hysterically.  But this post was about losing two people she cared about in the same week.  And instead of just curling up in a ball of misery as most of us would be inclined to do, here’s her reaction:

“You might think that this would push me over the edge into an irreversible downward spiral of xanax and Regina Spektor songs but no. It’s not. I’m fucking done with sadness, and I don’t know what’s up the ass of the universe lately but I’ve HAD IT. I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.

Can you hear that? That’s me smiling, y’all. I’m smiling so loud you can fucking hear it. I’m going to destroy the goddamn universe with my irrational joy and I will spew forth pictures of clumsy kittens and baby puppies adopted by raccoons and MOTHERFUCKING NEWBORN LLAMAS DIPPED IN GLITTER AND THE BLOOD OF SEXY VAMPIRES AND IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME.“

I love this.  If ever there was someone whose life deserved to be celebrated, it’s Dano.  Furiously happy.  Maybe that’s not quite the right emotion here, but it feels close.

And now, suddenly, I’m feeling motivated again.  Maybe because it’s finally Fall in Austin, maybe because I’m getting married and therefore the whole world just seems a little bit rosier (not to mention that it gives me a whole new subject about which to spout forth!), maybe just because I miss you. But I think it’s time to pull you out, dust you off, dress you up, put on some lipstick, and send you back out in public where you belong.  I know, poor blog, it’s hard to keep up with my whims.  But really, let’s be honest – that’s what you’re here for.

I make no promises for how much you’ll be seeing me, but let’s shoot for catching up maybe once a week (This is a lot for me. Hardly anyone else in my life hears from me once a week.)  And of course, I always reserve the right to use you as a link to all the other odd and hilarious stuff I find on the interwebs (Odd and hilarious to me anyway – this is all very subjective.).  Yes, you’ll have to share with Facebook.  I’m sorry, but that won’t change.  But if you behave yourself, I just might link YOU to my FB page.

Awwww, is that a smile I see? There, that’s better now, isn’t it?

“Unfortunately, the issue isn’t just that Fox News is a geyser blowing steaming piles of bullshit into our brains (though of course, it does).”

Nice.

Until today. Because right now I have something to share. I wish it was something good, but it’s not.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but for several weeks now I’ve been following the story of Constance McMillan, the teenager in Itawamba County, Mississippi who was barred from attending her own prom because she is a lesbian and wanted to wear a tux and bring her girlfriend as her date. You can read all about Constance and her story here and here if you’d like.  The short version is that the school district canceled prom rather than allow Constance to attend, the court ruled that the school violated Constance’s First Amendment rights, and Constance was then invited to attend a private prom at nearby Fulton Country Club that was being held in lieu of the one canceled by the school district.

Except this past weekend, when Constance and her girlfriend got to the prom, there were only a few other students there. It was a fake prom, a ruse, a diversion. Meanwhile, the rest of the students at Constance’s school attended the “real” prom, held at a secret location somewhere else in the county.

I am unbelievably saddened, horrified, and angry … and stupidly, I am also surprised.  I know that there are still people roaming around polite society (although I suppose I should remember this is Fulton, MS we’re talking about) pretending to be upstanding citizens, but who on the inside have dark, black, narrow-minded, and vicious souls … people who are so focused on how they appear to others and protecting their own narcissistic image of themselves and their small, safe little worlds that they have lost all sense of empathy (if they ever had any). I see stories every day of unimaginable cruelty perpetrated by everyday people, and yet it still surprises me.

How can people have so much hate?

I’m not surprised (or not as surprised) by the behavior of Constance’s fellow students. Kids can be mean. We all know that. We’ve all seen it, and some of us even participated in it back in the day when we were insecure teenagers trying to fit in and trying not to be the ones picked on, even if it meant we went after kids who were easier prey.  I wasn’t a Mean Girl in high school, but I wasn’t always a nice one either.  I don’t condone the actions of the students … but they didn’t put on a private prom and stage this elaborate deception by themselves.

No, most of my wrath is saved for their parents.  These are adults for God’s sake! Bigoted, hateful adults obviously … but adults.  Adults and parents (and quite possibly members of the school system) who not only allowed, but clearly helped their children throw a private prom – and create a fake one to throw off the handful of kids they wanted to intentionally exclude. One writer said that “at times it’s crossed my mind that there were some folks out there working in school systems who really loved the kind of petty crap that went on in high school and get far too much pleasure out of reliving it.”

I suppose that must be true, and it just makes me so sad … sad for Constance and every kid like her. Every kid who is just a little bit different, who just doesn’t quite fit in, who is new or weird or vulnerable in some way that makes them an easy target for bullies. And sometimes even makes them victims of the kids who are supposed to be their friends. After all, weird is contagious, didn’t you know? Oh, and homosexuality? You can catch that too … so don’t stand too close.

It makes me sad for so many kids growing up today. I just want to hug them and reassure them that there isn’t anything wrong with them. That they are wonderful in their own unique or quirky or oddball or challenged way.  And that I hope someday they find the people who will appreciate them for exactly who they are.  Because isn’t that what all of us want?

I want to share someone else’s words about this. I normally read The Bloggess because she’s completely hilarious and makes me crack up on a daily basis. But today her words about Constance and this whole horrible scenario made me cry …

“And today instead of using my strength to say how much I hate every single person that thought that this horrible act of cruelty was in any way acceptable to do to a human being I’m using it to do something so much harder.  I’m using it to say that I still love you.  And that I hope for change.  And that I know that I am imperfect and I am changing and that I hope you can too.  Because I don’t want to live in a world where so many people send me emails of desperation and despair because they think that a girl on the internet they’ve never met is the only one who could ever understand them.  These people?  The ones emailing me who feel that their life is worthless?  They are your children.  They are the people we see every day.  They are the men and women who will one day care for us when we’re old and feeble and can’t stand up for ourselves anymore.

They. are. us.

Please, try a little harder.  Because instead of screaming in fury I’m going to try to change my own behavior and instead just say what we’re all really saying underneath our angry shouts…I love you, and I want you to love me.

A special note to every single person reading this who thinks that they are alone or different or forever broken…you are not.  You are part of a special tribe that you just haven’t found yet and we need you.  All the best people are broken.  Keep fighting until you find your place.  It does exist.  I promise.“

God I hope she’s right.

It looks like winter may finally be on its way out, and none too soon! The extended forecast for Austin for the next couple weeks shows lots of 60′s and even some low 70′s in our future … it is about time. This winter has been too long and too cold. I know my friends and family around the country have had it a lot worse … but at least snow is fun. And just last week, I finally got to experience it for myself, just a little bit.

Yes, that is really me and that is really snow. Yay!!! Of course it didn’t last long, but if you have to have winter weather, at least snow makes it fun and pretty.

The one downside to life right now is my running. It had been going really well, until a couple of weeks ago. On a lovely trail run with my friend Stephanie out on St. Ed’s and Forest Ridge, I took a tumble and twisted my left foot underneath me. The fall itself wasn’t too bad … I was overdue for a good spill and I was still able to finish the run. But it did tighten up my foot enough that I couldn’t flex it much, and so I had to cut short my next run and take it easy for about a week. So everything was then going fine, but my last two runs (aerobic run on Saturday and last night’s Tempo Hill run) have just sucked. Sucked wind, to be exact. For reasons I am still figuring out, I have had a recurrence of my VCD (vocal cord dysfunction) for the first time in over a year and a half. And I am NOT happy about it. I have in fact had to cut short my last two runs because I couldn’t breathe. In a weird twist, turns out my coach has VCD as well. It’s not that common, so that’s pretty strange.

Thankfully, I have a checkup with my allergy/asthma doc next week, so I can talk about this with him. And since my coach is now going to make my doctor sign off on my continuing to run, I guess I’m doubly glad the appointment is so soon. After thinking through my symptoms, I think this is mostly VCD, although I am going to have my doc give me a new prescription for an emergency inhaler. I ran out a while ago, and I’m not even sure if I have any lying around my running tubs.

So why is this happening now? Well, I do think my allergies are part of the problem. The air has been pretty crappy lately, and I know a lot of people who are really suffering. I feel okay, but I think it’s affecting me more than I’ve wanted to admit.

I think another reason is my new yoga practice (more about that in a minute). I’m pretty worn out as my body adjusts to a new routine, and I haven’t really been respecting that. I gave myself a little talking-to this morning, reminding myself that my running goals are long-term … the marathons aren’t until this fall. So I can afford to be patient with myself and give my body a break and some time to adapt to my new practice. I don’t have to be able to do it ALL right NOW. :)

I need to take that same approach with my training program. I have always said that I prefer doing my quality workouts alone … and that I work harder when I do them by myself. I’m also learning lately that I think I work smarter when I do them alone. I think one reason these workouts are not going well is that I am assigned to a group, and we’re supposed to run together, and I am just going out harder than I should early on, and focusing on what the group is doing, instead of focusing on myself and how I feel and adjusting my pace accordingly. And as a result of the group dynamic, I am going into these workouts feeling anxious and stressed, which is the single biggest trigger for VCD. So I am basically sabotaging myself. And it took someone close to me pointing that out for me to see it.

Hopefully an attitude adjustment and a different approach to the workouts will make a difference.

There are other big changes going on in Workoutland! After 8 months of work with my personal trainer, we have decided to part ways and I am discontinuing my strength training for the time being. It was a terrific experience, and it made such a difference in my racing season … it also made a huge difference in my body! But I have been working with my chiropractor on some issues with overly tight psoas and hip flexors, and it was creating confusion and frustration in my workouts. At the same time, I was feeling drawn toward expanding my yoga practice, and it became clear that the universe was gently pushing me in a new direction.

So no more strength training … instead I have started a new Ashtanga yoga practice with a new instructor. Mike is fantastic … he’s been my BF’s instructor for a couple years now, and I had heard about him from other folks as well. This practice is just the best thing I have done in a while! It’s a Mysore (self-directed) practice, but Mike is giving me instruction and help along the way. I’m trying to go 3-4 days a week. It’s physically demanding (which is good), but the mental, emotional, and spiritual benefits are just huge as well. I’m definitely a beginner, but after just one week I am seeing some exciting improvement. Most of all I just love it and it feels like the right place for me to be.

That’s very much where I am these days … focusing on what feels right. Fortunately there’s a lot. Ending the strength training (mostly anyway … may still do a few things on my own if I need to), beginning this new yoga practice, continuing the changes I have made in my diet. That’s going very well by the way. I feel great most of the time … and being vegan doesn’t just make me feel better physically. I get a huge boost from knowing that I am doing the right thing by myself, and animals, and the earth. Still finding a balance where things like sugar and alcohol are concerned, but it’s all a process.

Also feeling very right these days in my relationships (and one in particular). You know it’s going well when your friends keep telling you that you have never looked better or happier … and you can’t disagree. :) I even had a colleague ask me yesterday if I was almost 30 yet! Hahahaha! He doesn’t even wear glasses!

While my running could use some improvement right now, things with my running club have never been better. This was my first year on the the board of the club, and as of the April meeting, I am going to be taking over as President! Me … the original sit-in-the-back-row, I-don’t-do-clubs girl! It definitely has everything to do with finding something I’m passionate about, and with the club members being the best group of people I have ever had the privilege to know. I’m so excited about the other folks who will be serving on the board with me and all we’re going to accomplish this year!

And despite my recent running issues, I am so excited to be running a new race this weekend! I have been missing the trail something fierce lately (especially since the last two weeks have basically kept me off the trail entirely), and this weekend I get to drive a few hours west into the Hill Country to do a brand new race. I’m running the 10k, but there’s also a marathon and a 50 miler. I’ll get to hang out in the scenic countryside, catching up with friends and trail running … nothing better than that! I’ll get some bigger miles as well by pacing my BF through the final loop of his first 50 mile race! So excited for that … for him to have another running milestone (I missed the last one), and to get to be a part of it by pacing, which is one of my very favorite things to do. And it’s the least I can do since I wouldn’t have that shiny 100 Mile finisher’s buckle if it weren’t for him. :)

Score: V-Day 1, Marcia 0.

Today a total stranger came up to me at the drugstore … she told me she loved my hair and that I was “wearing the hell out of it.” :)

That’ll perk ya up on a cold and rainy Wednesday.

Looks like Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today, which doesn’t bode well for an early spring. And that’s too bad, because winter came early to Austin this year, and as a result I have had more than enough cold weather by now.

Even so, Groundhog Day is still one of my favorite days … so this year I decided to geek out and do a little research. For example, did you know that Groundhog Day began as a Pennsylvania German custom in southeastern and central Pennsylvania in the 18th and 19th centuries? Did you know that it has its origins in ancient European weather lore, where a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator as opposed to a groundhog?  Did you know there was such a thing as ancient European weather lore? ;)

Last year for Groundhog Day I treated myself to a birthday present and bought myself a race entry. Of course, I ended up getting hypothermia and not finishing the race, although it still ended up being one of my favorite races ever … and certainly my favorite race course. And of course, it gave me an excuse to spend several fantastic days in The ‘Ville, catching up with family and friends. I will definitely be back for that race or others, starting in 2011.

And this year?  Well, I’m sure I could find myself some fabulous present … after all, I do love me some presents!  :)  But the truth is there’s nothing I need, and I am so ridiculously happy with my world right now that presents would be overkill. Of course, I am going to top off one of my favorite days with a great new haircut … and really, Groundhog Day and a great Hair Day?  Now that is a winning combination!

And finally, some parting words before I take my leave … Don’t Drive Angry. :)

For the past three weeks, as a way to kick off the New Year in good health, I have been doing this cleanse. As I wrote in my last post, My New Year’s resolution was to make my diet completely vegan. As a way to jump-start my resolution, I elected to do a 3 week cleanse, where I not only eliminated all animal products, but I also gave up sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. [Note: Kathy Freston's 21 Day Cleanse also eliminates gluten, but I already know wheat is not an issue for me, and so I elected to minimize gluten, rather than forgo it completely.] I don’t have a lot of caffeine to begin with (I mostly drink decaf green tea or decaf coffee), and when I do it’s usually in a soda, so eliminating sugar pretty much took care of the caffeine. I don’t drink a lot of alcohol either, so that wasn’t too tough (although that did end up being my one cheat).

The big challenge for me was sugar. I have never had a huge sweet tooth … I love salty food, but sweets have always been pretty easy for me to avoid. But ever since Cactus Rose, I had found myself having constant sugar cravings, and consuming FAR more sugar than I can ever remember having. Even when I used natural sweeteners like maple syrup, I found myself using them much more than normal. And I was really disturbed by this. There are probably a number of reasons for the cravings … I consumed a LOT of sugar during my race in the form of gels, chews, and Coke, so it’s not surprising that my body got into a craving cycle during that time. I may have grown tired of the taste during my race, but that doesn’t mean my body didn’t go into withdrawal afterward. I also created a HUGE calorie deficit during the race, and so perhaps as a way of trying to get back the calories I needed after the race, my body started craving foods that would provide a ready supply of quick energy, i.e. sweets. But whatever the reason, I felt like my sugar addiction was out of control, and it really disturbed me. The cleanse seemed like an ideal way to get off the sugar.

The first few days of the cleanse, I felt great. The entire New Year’s weekend I ate really well, ran a lot, and just generally was full of energy. But as the week wore on, the side effects started to hit. My digestive system was a mess … I was queasy and sick to my stomach every morning for nearly a week. This eventually turned into a minor but full-on stomach bug, but I don’t think that was what was happening the entire time. My skin also showed the effects. I am truly fortunate to have been blessed with great skin. I almost never break out at all. My skin wasn’t horrible by most people’s standards, but I developed the worst breakout I can remember in probably 15 years. I also just felt tired and heavy and sluggish.

This detox phase lasted most of the way through the second week of the cleanse. And then, like magic, about 10 days ago I suddenly started to feel wonderful! And that feeling has persisted ever since.

I feel lighter and cleaner. I have more energy overall … I still get tired, (which is why I took last night off from running and went to bed at 9 p.m.) but that has more to do with how hard I push myself. No diet can fix that. My skin is back to normal, and if anything looks even better. We’re in them middle of cedar season in Austin, and my allergies have hardly bothered me at all.

I’ve been experimenting with new recipes and changing up overall the way I eat. I’ve been eating lots more greens … kale, spinach, brussel sprouts, broccoli. I’ve even had kale for breakfast a few times when I woke up feeling like I needed an especially healthy start to my day … it’s better than you’d think! Also lots of whole grains … quinoa, lentils, brown rice, oatmeal. I’ve been adding hemp protein to smoothies on days when I feel like I need a little extra. More nuts and seeds like almonds, walnuts, peanut and almond butters, and sunflower and pumpkin seeds (I’ve started making my own yummy trail mix). And of course, many, many fruits and veggies. I’m trying to limit the amount of soy I eat. I don’t want to just replace animal products with soy substitutes … I want to completely rethink the way I eat. I still have some soy. Chocolate soy milk (without sugar) with some hemp protein may be the best recovery drink ever. And I still have the occasional veggie burger. But overall this is not a centerpiece of my diet. And although neither the cleanse nor a vegan diet requires the elimination of fried foods, it’s fairly obvious that potato chips and french fries should be eaten sparingly. And so while I’ve had both once or twice, I’m doing a great job of making them occasional treats rather than a regular part of my meals.

As I mentioned above, I did cheat on the alcohol part. I went to a party Saturday night, and had a couple glasses of wine, and then I also had a glass of wine and a beer this past Wednesday when I was out with a friend for a birthday celebration. But just like with caffeine, alcohol isn’t really an issue for me. I almost never have more than a drink or two, and I tend to drink at most two or three times a week. I factor in the calories, because that can be an issue with drinking. But otherwise, it’s not something that’s a problem for me.

The sugar was a little tougher. I think most of my detox symptoms were the result of going off sugar. I did substitute small amounts of agave syrup here and there … agave is an approved sweetener on the cleanse, since it doesn’t affect blood sugar and thus lead to cravings or addiction. And I bought some soda sweetened with Stevia … which is really good and I still don’t drink it very often. I think I’ve had 4 cans in the past 3 weeks. But I tried to wean myself off sweeteners as much as I could. So no refined sugar, no cane juice, molasses, maple syrup … none of it. Some days were harder than others, but overall it wasn’t terrible. And most importantly, after 3 weeks I feel so good to have broken the downward sugar spiral I was on.

Even better … as of this morning I have lost 4 pounds! And since I’m pretty sure I’ve put on some muscle as well, that’s a pretty significant change in three weeks. Especially since I made a point of being careful about what I was eating, but not counting calories. And I’m not looking for a quick fix or too-rapid weight loss. So this is just perfect. I still have some more weight I’d like to take off … about 5-8 pounds, depending on how I feel. But I’ve made a good start.

I thought many times over the past 3 weeks of the sweets I’d have when this was over … but now that I’m here, I think I’m going to try to continue to keep sugar out of my diet as much as possible. I don’t know that I’ll avoid it completely, but I’m going to think very hard before I indulge about whether it’s really worth it. And to the extent that I can use natural sweeteners like cane juice and maple syrup, I will. Noelle gave me a box of Mer’s vegan bars for Christmas, and I just got another order in this week. They are so yummy, and have become my primary treat! To have something this good, without chemicals or processed ingredients, that is a completely satisfying treat when I need one … what could be better? :-) Thank goodness Mer is going to keep making these!

Caffeine is also going to stay gone. That was an easy one to eliminate, and I can’t think of a good reason to reintroduce it. As far as alcohol, I may even try to cut back a little more. But like I said, it’s not a problem for me. And I really do enjoy the occasional glass of wine or a good dark beer. But it is good to know that I can go for an extended period of time without a drink and be fine.

And of course, the vegan part is here to stay. That was never in question. But the way I’ve managed to overhaul my diet in the past few weeks has me very pleased. I wanted to give up eating animal products, but not at the expense of my health. So developing these new eating habits that center around lots of whole foods, and realizing how great I feel after just a few weeks gives me a lot of confidence going forward. I even found some whole foods to eat during my long runs … how great is that?!!!

I recognize that a vegan diet isn’t for everyone, and I have no interest in preaching to people or trying to actively convert people. It’s a personal choice that each of us has to make for ourselves. But I think even for the carnivores out there, a cleanse like this can have great benefit. Sometimes it’s just good to recognize how certain foods affect us, and how small changes can make a huge difference in the way we feel. I’m sure as the year goes on and I further refine my eating habits, I’ll have more to report. But for now, I just couldn’t be more pleased with how this little experiment has turned out!

On the calendar for February … this workshop, on Diet & Lifestyles in Ayurveda and Yoga. I’ve been reading about Ayurveda – which is basically the Indian science of medicine and healing – for several months now, and my interest has only grown. There’s a spiritual focus, a physical and emotional component, and instruction on diet (a vegetarian diet is already part of this). It’s very much about creating health by living in tune with nature and one’s own physical and emotional makeup. I am so excited for this class!

I hope I’ll have lots more to report as my journey continues …

A friend of mine did a post a few days ago with 10 things she was proud of doing in 2009, and I loved the idea so much I’m going to steal if for my very-own-self right here. New Year’s is so often about our resolutions for the coming year, which is fine (and I’ll get to that later) … but I love the idea of looking back and thinking about what we did right in the past year. So without further ado, here is my list of 10 things I am proud that I did in 2009, in the order that they happened …

1. Finished my first 100K race at Bandera, and within my time goal
2. Took a weekend-long workshop in Primordial Sound Meditation … I don’t do it twice-a-day-every-day like I should (that’s why they call it practice), but even so it has expanded my life in every way
3. Becoming Vice President of my trail running club … I’ve never been a club person, never much of a joiner, always sort of a kid-in-the-back-row-doing-my-own-thing type, but I guess I just never found the right club before
4. Decided to leave a job that I finally had to admit just wasn’t making me happy and miraculously got the exact job I wanted at the exact time I wanted it
5. Hired a personal trainer and started doing regular strength training … the work I’ve done with John has gotten results far beyond what I’d hoped for, and I even love doing the workouts
6. Hired a cleaning lady … I always thought I took great satisfaction from cleaning my house, but it turns out it pleases me just as much when someone else does it, and I can spend my time on other things that make me even happier
7. Cutting off all my hair … well not all of it, but most of it. I love it … it makes me feel bold and free, two of my favorite things
8. Learning to cut back and do less … sometimes things just don’t need to get done, and sometimes other people really want to help and I finally decided to let them
9. Started and finished a relationship where for the first time, and through the entire thing, I stayed true to myself
10. Finished my first 100 Mile race at Cactus Rose

There are certainly other things I could have come up with, but that’s a pretty good summary of my year and a lot of the things that made it great.

And now on to 2010 …

Given this journey of personal growth I seem to be on these days, there are plenty of things I would like to accomplish in the coming year. But I only made one true resolution …

As of January 1st, I have gone completely vegan … no meat, no fish, no eggs, no dairy. I’ve been leaning in this direction for the past 18 months or so, giving up some things, adding things back in. In some ways it was a bit of an experiment, to see how it would work and how I would feel physically and all that. But somewhere along the way, this process of changing my diet changed who I am and what I believe … and as it turns out, I just think it’s wrong to eat animals. Period. Not just the ones in factory farms … but all of it.

Let me be clear, I’m not judging my vegetarian and carnivore and omnivore friends out there. This is about me and what I feel is the right thing to do in my life right now. I’m not here to preach or convert or criticize. This is just my way of living my own beliefs and trying to be a better, kinder person … to myself, the people I care about, and the world around me.

So much to look forward to … I hope 2010 brings you all kinds of wonderful experiences!

It started with a trip to Philadelphia, to spend a night with Jolly and the boys before we all headed together down to Daddy and Joan’s on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, even Southwest Airlines is no guarantee against a delayed flight, but at least I wasn’t too, too late, and I didn’t have to sit on a plane the whole time. Even better, Jolly brought Max & Jude to the airport with her … it just makes me laugh out loud with joy to have a couple of four-year-olds come running into my arms when I come down that escalator!

Christmas Eve I got to be there as Max & Jude discovered their presents from Santa … a first for me. Totally worth coming in a day ahead of time to get to see all that mayhem and present opening! It doesn’t quite compare to the mayhem at my dad’s but I’ll get to that later. It was a freezing cold day out, but sunny and beautiful and I really wanted to get a run in.  After the snowstorm the previous weekend, there was still snow everywhere, and it was just so gorgeous and white outside, with all the houses decorated for the holidays. I also needed to go to Whole Foods to stock up on a few supplies to have during my trip … while I cut myself some dietary slack over the break, my eating habits tend to be pretty different from my family, especially with the whole veggie thing. And I didn’t become a vegetarian so that I could be a pain in the a** for people. I don’t expect people to turn themselves inside out to accommodate me, and I don’t mind fending for myself, especially since it makes it easy for me to eat the way I want to. Anyway, time was limited as we had to go to Chad’s parents’ house to celebrate, so Jolly and I decided to kill two birds with one stone … we ran to Whole Foods, did our shopping, and had Chad and the boys come pick us up.  It worked out great … a beautiful run in the cold winter sunshine with snow everywhere! It definitely helped me shake off the travel fatigue and go into Christmas with a festive attitude.

We didn’t get to my dad’s until late Xmas Eve, and Daddy and Joan were already at church. It gave me time to settle in and get in my jammies, but I stayed up until after midnight to wish everyone a Merry Christmas … no small feat at home. I jokingly nicknamed my parents’ house The Valium House several years ago, because no matter what our normal habits at our own houses, whenever any of us come home we somehow always feel ready for bed around 8 p.m. I manage to stay up later than that sometimes, but it’s inevitable that by early evening, we’re all ready to settle into our jammies and call it a day. :-)

Christmas morning, I was thwarted in my attempts to get in my usual Xmas Day run … freezing rain made it too dangerous. So I took the opportunity to be supremely lazy. It’s not a bad idea, because once we all gather for our family Christmas celebration, it’s pretty chaotic, and there’s little rest to be had. This year there were 16 of us … and that’s without my brother and his family, who recently relocated from the U.K. to Australia (they’re getting summer for Xmas).  It’s a madhouse, and I absolutely love it!  Wrapping paper and boxes and presents flying everywhere, and squeals and screams and laughs and chatter … madness!

Here’s a random sampling of the fun …

One benefit of having nephews who are older? They are now old enough to take care of the little ones! Ryan graciously volunteered to babysit on Saturday, and Jolly, Chad, Daddy, Joan and I went to the Winchester Alamo Drafthouse (the only one outside of Texas!) for a late afternoon movie. I’ve been to the movies quite a bit this fall and winter, but I think this was a rare treat for everyone else. And I love getting to share the Alamo experience with new people, whether it’s in Austin or Winchester!

By Sunday, I wasn’t yet tired of the holidays, but I definitely had had enough of holiday eating. While everyone else ate their sausage casserole, I indulged my healthy craving and sauteed up a big bunch of kale … yum! That may not sound like a typical breakfast, but my body was soooo thankful. I ate the entire thing! And then skipped the lasagna in favor of baking up my butternut squash for lunch. Ahhhh … I can only go so long being unhealthy before I get what I call a food hangover. I just feel so sluggish and fuzzy and out of sorts without my veggies!  And I finally got in my Xmas Run!  Jolly and I drove into Old Town and ran from Handley through Meadow Branch and then through town and the Downtown Mall.  I love this part of town (where we used to live) … and just like in my old neighborhood at Jolly’s, with all the snow and Christmas decorations, it’s just fairy-tale-like. I never get tired of it!

Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and so Monday morning I headed to the airport and back to Austin … and one more whole week of Xmas break at home! Hooray! I had such plans for all the people I was going to catch up with this week, and yet, when I got home, all I wanted to do was cozy up on the couch next to the Christmas tree, with my kitty all snuggled in next to me, a cup of green tea, and either a good book or some of the TV shows I’d DVR’d.  And so I did.

I did manage to get out of the house a little bit each day … Tuesday for a nighttime run in the rain that was far more fun than I expected … Wednesday I went to the gym, followed by a massage and acupuncture … Thursday I had a lovely brunch with friends (but turned down any and all New Year’s Eve invites in favor of staying home – and it was bliss) … started off 2010 by doing the RunTex to RunTex New Year’s Day run with Stephanie (and all the other friends who I didn’t know would be there but who also showed up for this awesome under-the-radar event) … continued my running weekend with an excellent trail run Saturday morning followed by some post-holiday shopping at Betty Sport (the most I was out of the house all week). On the last day I planned to be supremely lazy and just stay in, but thankfully let Stephanie talk me yet again into another run, this time a nice easy late afternoon spin around Town Lake. I even went to the gym afterward to get in my second strength workout of the week.

That pretty much sums it up. It was a great break, beginning with joyful and crazy family time and finishing up with peaceful and rejuvenating time to myself … just the way I like it.

Over a year ago, I started practicing various forms of meditation. One of those is called Yoga Nidra, and during the meditation, the instructor plays the gong. During one of these gong sequences, I had a vision (I don’t have them every time, but they’re not uncommon for me during this form of meditation). I was standing on the top of a mountain with my arms raised to the moonlit sky, and when I put my arms down, I felt a presence. It was wolf, and it stayed with me on the top of that mountain until the meditation was over.  Since that time, the wolf has appeared to me on any number of occasions. It’s like he’s my talisman, my familiar, my spirit animal … whatever you want to call it. I don’t try to conjure him, and I never know when he’ll be there … I just know he comes to me, and he is a comforting presence, and a source of strength to me.

Tonight during the extended meditation at the end of yoga class, when Mehtab was playing the gong, I instantly found myself in a moonlit forest, covered in snow, next to a small fire … and the wolf was right there.

And once again he stayed with me until the meditation was over. And when it was over, I remembered this story, which I thought I would share. It’s a Christmas message, one that has had meaning for me since I first heard it over 25 years ago.

This is the story of Barrington Bunny

Once upon a time in a large forest there lived a very furry bunny. He had one lop ear, a tiny black nose, and unusually shiny eyes. His name was Barrington. Barrington was not really a very handsome bunny. He was brown and speckled and his ears didn’t stand up right. But he could hop, and he was, as I have said, very furry.

In a way, winter is fun for bunnies. After all, it gives them an opportunity to hop in the snow and then turn around to see where they have hopped. So, in a way, winter was fun for Barrington.

But in another way winter made Barrington sad. For, you see, winter marked the time where all of the animal families got together in their cozy homes to celebrate Christmas. He could hop, and he was very furry. But as far as Barrington knew, he was the only bunny in the forest.

When Christmas Eve finally came, Barrington did not feel like going home all by himself. So he decided he would hop for awhile in the clearing at the center of the forest.

Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. Barrington made tracks in the fresh snow.

Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. Then he cocked his head and looked back at the wonderful designs he had made.

“Bunnies,” he thought to himself, “can hop. And they are very warm, too, because of how furry they are.”

(But Barrington didn’t really know whether or not this was true of all bunnies, since he had never met another bunny.)

When it got too dark to see the tracks he was making, Barrington made up his mind to go home.

On his way, however, he passed a large oak tree. High in the branches there was a great deal of excited chattering going on. Barrington looked up. It was a squirrel family! What a marvelous time they seemed to be having.

“Hello, up there,” called Barrington.

“Hello, down there,” came the reply.

“Having a Christmas party?” asked Barrington.

“Oh, yes!” answered the squirrels. “It’s Christmas Eve. Everybody is having a Christmas party!”

“May I come to your party?” said Barrington softly.

“Are you a squirrel?”

“No.”

“What are you, then?”

“A bunny.”

“A bunny?”

“Yes.”

“Well, how can you come to the party if you’re a bunny? Bunnies can’t climb trees.”

“That’s true,” said Barrington thoughtfully. “But I can hop and I’m very furry and warm.”

“We’re sorry,” called the squirrels. “We don’t know anything about hopping and being furry, but we do know that in order to come to our house you have to be able to climb trees.”

“Oh, well,” said Barrington. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” chattered the squirrels.

And the unfortunate bunny hopped off toward his tiny house.

It was beginning to snow when Barrington reached the river. Near the river bank was a wonderfully constructed house of sticks and mud. Inside there was singing.

“It’s the beavers,” thought Barrington. “Maybe they will let me come to their party.”

And so he knocked on the door.

“Who’s out there?” called a voice.

“Barrington Bunny,” he replied.

There was a long pause and then a shiny beaver head broke the water.

“Hello, Barrington,” said the beaver.

“May I come to your Christmas party?” asked Barrington.

The beaver thought for awhile and then he said, “I suppose so. Do you know how to swim?”

“No,” said Barrington, “but I can hop and I am very furry and warm.”

“Sorry,” said the beaver. “I don’t know anything about hopping and being furry, but I do know that in order to come to our house you have to be able to swim.”

“Oh, well,” Barrington muttered, his eyes filling with tears. “I suppose that’s true-Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” called the beaver. And he disappeared beneath the surface of the water.

Even as furry as he was, Barrington was starting to get cold. And the snow was falling so hard that his tiny, bunny eyes could scarcely see what was ahead of him.

He was almost home, however, when he heard the excited squeaking of field mice beneath the ground.

“It’s a party,” thought Barrington. And suddenly he blurted out through his tears, “Hello, field mice. This is Barrington Bunny. May I come to your party?”

But the wind was howling so loudly and Barrington was sobbing so much that no one heard him.

And when there was no response at all, Barrington just sat down in the snow and began to cry with all his might.

“Bunnies,” he thought, aren’t any good to anyone. What good is it to be furry and to be able to hop if you don’t have any family on Christmas Eve?”

Barrington cried and cried. When he stopped crying he began to bite on his bunny’s foot, but he did not move from where he was sitting in the snow.

Suddenly, Barrington was aware he was not alone. He looked up and strained his shiny eyes to see who was there.

To his surprise he saw a great silver wolf. The wolf was large and strong and his eyes flashed fire. He was the most beautiful animal Barrington had ever seen.

For a long time the silver wolf didn’t say anything at all. He just stood there and looked at Barrington with those terrible eyes.

Then slowly and deliberately the wolf spoke. “Barrington,” he asked in a gentle voice, “why are you sitting in the snow?”

“Because it’s Christmas Eve,” said Barrington, “and I don’t have any family, and bunnies aren’t any good to anyone.”

“Bunnies are, too, good,” said the wolf. “Bunnies can hop and they are very warm.”

“What good is that?” Barrington sniffed.

“It is very good indeed,” the wolf went on, “because it is a gift that bunnies are given, a free gift with no strings attached. And every gift that is given to anyone is given for a reason. Someday you will see why it is good to hop and to be warm and furry.”

“But it’s Christmas,” moaned Barrington, “and I’m all alone. I don’t have any family at all.”

“Of course you do,” replied the great silver wolf. “All of the animals in the forest are your family.”

And then the wolf disappeared. He simply wasn’t there. Barrington had only blinked his eyes, and when he looked-the wolf was gone.

“All of the animals in the forest are my family,” thought Barrington. “It’s good to be a bunny. Bunnies can hop. That’s a gift.” And then he said it again. “A gift. A free gift.”

On in the night Barrington worked. First he found the best stick he could. (And that was difficult because of the snow.)

Then hop. Hop. Hippity-hop. To beaver’s house. He left the stick just outside the door. With a note on it that read: “Here is a good stick for your house. It is a gift. A free gift. No strings attached. Signed, a member of your family.”

“It is a good thing that I can hop, he thought, “because the snow is very deep.”

Then Barrington dug and dug. Soon he had gathered together enough dead leaves and grass to make the squirrels’ nest warmer. Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop.

He laid the grass and leaves just under the large oak tree and attached this message: “A gift. A free gift. From a member of your family.”

It was late when Barrington finally started home. And what made things worse was that he knew a blizzard was beginning.

Hop. Hop. Hippity-hop.

Soon poor Barrington was lost. The wind howled furiously, and it was very, very cold. “It certainly is cold,” he said out loud. “It’s a good thing I’m so furry. But if I don’t find my way home pretty soon I might freeze!”

Squeak. Squeak. . . .

And then he saw it-a baby field mouse lost in the snow. And the little mouse was crying.

“Hello, little mouse,” Barrington called.

“Don’t cry. I’ll be right there.” Hippity-hop, and Barrington was beside the tiny mouse.

“I’m lost,” sobbed the little fellow. “I’ll never find my way home, and I know I’m going to freeze.”

“You won’t freeze,” said Barrington. “I’m a bunny and bunnies are very furry and warm. You stay right where you are and I’ll cover you up.”

Barrington lay on top of the little mouse and hugged him tight. The tiny fellow felt himself surrounded by warm fur. He cried for awhile but soon, snug and warm, he fell asleep.

Barrington had only two thoughts that long, cold night. First he thought, “It’s good to be a bunny. Bunnies are very furry and warm.” And then, when he felt the heart of the tiny mouse beating regularly, he thought, “All the animals in the forest are my family.”

Next morning, the field mice found their little boy, asleep in the snow, warm and snug beneath the furry carcass of a dead bunny. Their relief and excitement was so great that they didn’t even think to question where the bunny had come from.And as for the beavers and the squirrels, they still wonder which member of their family left the little gift for them that Christmas Eve.

After the field mice had left, Barrington’s frozen body simply lay in the snow. There was no sound except that of the howling wind. And no one anywhere in the forest noticed the great silver wolf who came to stand beside that brown, lop-eared carcass.

But the wolf did come.

And he stood there.

Without moving or saying a word.

All Christmas Day.

Until it was night.

And then he disappeared into the forest.

I see you, cute hipster girls of Austin. I see you rocking that Deep V wheelset at the Thursday night social ride, or writing the next great American collection of poems at the corner table at Quack’s, or browsing the Mamet archives at the Harry Ransom Center, or listening to the XX on your iPod at a bus stop because the Dirty Projectors are so two months ago. I see you with your wisely chosen and very artful and very sexy tattoos, your carefully-but-not-too-carefully maintained hair, perhaps with highlights of an unusual, biologically impossible color. I see you with your impeccably snazzy clothes, no doubt skillfully curated from countless Cream Vintage visits.

But that’s okay. You still brighten my vinyl happy hours at Waterloo Records and my Shangri-La visits. Thank you, hipster girl. You rock my world, and you make it look so easy. Carry on with your Bianchi Pista self.

Otherwise it was a great morning. Went out to cheer all sorts of friends at the Hokahey 5K, in support of my friend and trail runner Dano who was diagnosed this year with CIDP and ALS. It’s hard to see someone you care about, someone who is so full of life, in this situation. But Dano is so brave, and it was just so heartwarming to see all these people who care about him out there to show their support. And the race raised over $30,000!!!

On a non-running note – I know, there aren’t many of those from me … I’m kind of a one-trick pony ;-) – if you haven’t gotten to the theater to see Zombieland yet, you are missing out! Went with my friend Michael to see it this week, and my stomach hurt by the end from laughing so hard. It was hilarious, suspenseful, with the requisite gross-out factor you need in a good zombie flick … and a surprise I won’t spoil for you because no one spoiled it for me, but trust me, you want to see this movie.

About a year ago I started doing something called Yoga Nidra, which means yogic sleep and is essentially a meditation technique. I do another form of meditation as well, but I really love Yoga Nidra and have gotten so many benefits from it over the past year.  It really has healing properties and it definitely helps me feel more balanced, both physically and emotionally.  Anyway, last weekend my yoga studio had a workshop with Richard Miller, one of the leaders in Yoga Nidra outside of India.  It was a pretty powerful experience to get to spend a few hours with such an authority, and to have him lead not one, but two Yoga Nidra practices during the workshop.  The whole experience left me feeling a little bit emotionally raw, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I think some of that is also leftover from Cactus Rose.  As you might imagine (if you can imagine it at all), running 100 miles is also a pretty powerful experience, one that I don’t think I’ve still fully processed.  And while the actual experience was less emotional than I expected, the aftermath has been more than I expected.  Again, not a bad thing … just something to be aware of.

And now for some laundry, couch time, and a nice cup of tea with some chocolate … yum!  My new favorite is a bar called Truffle Pig, which is both delicious and makes me giggle every time I say the name. :-)